you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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