Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
