I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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