I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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