i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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