cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
