This is not my ceiling
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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