Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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