How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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