Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
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