please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
