you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
