last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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