Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
