Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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