Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
