They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
