totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.