I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's never too late to be topless.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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