I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
