Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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