Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
