in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This gyro tastes like lonliness
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
