I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize