everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
