You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
