Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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