someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize