YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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