I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
