I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
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can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
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Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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