thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
