Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
