Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
