WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
