I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
