how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
