I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
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I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
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I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....