cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
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I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
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And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.