When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
