I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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