Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
