that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
