Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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