Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
