they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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