Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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