During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
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Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
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First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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