Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
