also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
