he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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