y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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