Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
