We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
