Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
