I wish I only lived at night.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Welp...herpes.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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