Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
